These 7 Lists Written By Graham Nelson in 2014 Will Change What You Think About Ordering Things Forever

It’s the end of the year again  — a time to sit by the fire and reflect on your dreams, accomplishments and the listicles written by your friends. 2014 may have been the best year for the genre since God listicled the universe into existence. (Who could forget “Let There Be Light, And 6 Other Reality-Creating Steps That Will Move You To Worship Me Forever?”) And a big part of that best year was rising A-lister Graham Nelson.

We partnered with the Discover Card, Paramount Pictures, Hologic Mammography, Sargento Cheeses, Content Strategist Erin Kelly and other corporate sponsors in whose offices Graham is no longer welcome, to take a look back at the year that was. Please remember to like and share wantonly, because they only let us leave our desks if we get good social engagement scores.

This List About Boobs.

From adult men and women to the tiniest infants and that weird kid on Game of Thrones, there isn’t a single person on Earth who doesn’t love breasts. That’s why it’s not surprising that Graham’s love-list to the Boob got, like, half a bajillion pages views — roughly equal to the population of Earth.

 

This Super Adorable Listicle of Cute Couples Saying Sweet Things About Money. 

Sometimes a great list requires great sacrifice. Working over his birthday, Graham spent many hours on the phone, explaining to skeptical old people that the Huffington Post is a “web-site” on the “Internet,” which is sort of an imaginary electronic country whose exports consist mainly of listicles and pornography. This ridiculously cute list starring most of Graham’s friend was the result.

 These Parenting Tips That Made Graham’s Aunt Donna Say She Never Wanted To Read His Writing Again. 

For Graham’s historic listicle debut, his Huffington Post coworkers played a joke on him, and forced him to write parenting content. The joke, as it turned out, was on them; Graham scored with a list so good that noted contrarian Aunt Donna Nelson immediately mentioned how bad it was.

 

This Watermarked Woman Is Not My Aunt.

This Watermarked Woman Is Not Graham’s Aunt, But It Could Be.

This Sequential Essay About Space Heroes.

Graham poured his heart into this action-packed and well-researched list that was personally approved by director Christoper Nolan.

Unfortunately, much like the sound- mixing in Nolan’s Interstellar, it was an abject failure! It got about 6,000 page views, approximately 10,000 times less than what Rihanna would get if she butt-posted “dvwiMvry791.”

But upon closer inspection, this seeming failure shows Graham’s versatility: He makes both good and bad listicles under-perform consistently.

This Numbered Collection Of Gifs About Food. 

Graham’s .gif period unquestionably produced some his strongest work, mostly because he stopped using long (or many) words. This list of annoying food trends drew the praise of even the harshest critics — Internet commenters — who called it, “like Buzzfeed with better copywriters.” (We are ready to jump whenever, Tessa Rogers. Call us?)

These Enumerated Checklist On How A Stylish Man Dresses

Were we surprised that Graham’s provocative fashion piece for Dockers was picked up and published by the Huffington Post’s Black Voices section? No. No, not at all.

As that movie with Tim Robbins and Martin Lawrence demonstrates, sometimes a tall, nerdy white guy (with underrated karaoke rapping abilities) can get along with — and, by golly, even appeal to– a diverse audience of khakis wearers. We urge you to read and savor a writer, topic, and audience in perfect alignment — like the gilded buttons on a conservative navy blazer.

This Ordered Narrative About Endings, And Avoiding Them.

The year is ending and — EEK — so is your life! Luckily, Graham Nelson was there to comfort your decaying body and ease your befogged mind with a listicle about how the Japanese live as long as they do. Look deeper, though, and you’ll see Graham’s proudest moment: He sneaked a naked butt into a piece for a client that is notoriously anti-butt. Happy endings, Graham fans! Happy endings.

Did we miss your favorite? The piece on criminal captures? The Bill-Murray-a-thon? Please let us know in the comments!

Share on FacebookShare on Tumblr