McSweeney’s Internet Tendency The Toast The Morning News
ear Nobel Prize Selection Committee,
Like many of my loyal Facebook friends and Twitter followers, I was bewildered, and even a skosh disappointed, when I learned of your recent Nobel Prize selections. This opinion is shared across the Internet. No less than Piers Morgan himself, whose journalistic standing and integrity are no doubt familiar to you, has weighed in loudly on my side. In case you didn’t see his comments, I just retweeted them at you.
So I speak for the entire Internet when I say that it felt like you abandoned those brave individuals (like myself) who persevered against seemingly unendurable horrors; who, with precocious wisdom and angelic kindness (which I am full of), elevated the rest of the world to a loftier plane of existence (where I have resided comfortably for several years.) Instead you chose dull representatives from the tired, old existing paradigm. I mean, does Alice Munro even have a tumblr account? With all due respect to Ms. Munro: can she even properly spell tumblr?
The people will not stand for this. It’s time for Nobel 2.0.
That’s why I respectfully ask that you take some time to reflect upon your many glaring mistakes and omissions, and then immediately name me, via your platform of choice, as the 2013 Nobel Prize Winner for my contributions to Social Media.
As all my 198 Facebook friends and nearly 30 Twitter followers can attest to, I have strived every day, and sometimes every hour, and sometimes multiple times within every hour, to advance the understanding of the human condition through an astounding array of status messages, tweets, and six second sunbursts of passion on Vine. At the risk of sounding immodest, I can say, without a mote of reservation, that no other living human being is as prolific as I am at cataloguing the endless, sometimes vapid, and often incomprehensible minutia of my day. In fact, I will be concurrently posting this entire letter, plus some additional thoughts and sensations I had while writing it, directly to my WordPress account.
I will DM you a link.
Nor has any topic, any genre, escaped my sticky online tentacles. For instance, I have demonstrated a keen understanding of global politics. In 2012 I embarked on a Swift-like, whimsically satirical journey across my social media accounts. One Facebook status message, entitled “Darwin, The Talking Dolphin From TV’s Seaquest, Explains the Sequest-er,” garnered 12 likes and prompted one Charles Silverman to comment: “good one, brah.”
Then there has been the poetry that calls out to entire generations. After a very successful December 12th, 2011 date with my then-girlfriend, Sandra, I blogged this:
my preferred network,
the vast newsfeeds of your body sustain my lust
for forbidden knowledge;
my fingers burn happily,
scorched in heat and friction
from clicking your like button.”
And then, after Sandra broke up with me: my Blue Period. I tweeted haunting works of raw, throbbing pain and loss, such as this now famous one from December 15th, 2011:
“K got home but reallly drunck. Y does everything have 2 suck so dam bad? Its darkest b4 dawn. RIP Heath Ledjer. @SandraDeeDeeLite fuk u”
But it is my demonstrated commitment to social justice and world peace that really cements me as the clear frontrunner in most (if not all) Nobel Prize categories. I have used my Instagram profile to launch a campaign against those who would make our public transportation less safe and comfortable (#subwayseatthiefs #seathogs #nofilter.) And I have suffered the sting of persecution for my efforts. Several hostile regimes unjustly banned me from their countries after they learned of my intention to photograph myself planking at their holiest of religious sites.
To those undecided; to those backwards naysayers on the Committee who fight their hopeless fight against me (and the entire future), I say this: I have read over Albert Nobel’s wikipedia entry very carefully and I am confident that that great man foresaw the need for a Social Media category one day. If you will not agree to a new category, I would be willing to share the Literature award with Ms. Munro, but, given the sheer breadth of my work, I insist that I be given first billing. Maybe you could call her award “Short Literature” or something. Be creative.
The people already rise up against you, Nobel Prize Selection Committee. Even now, the Change.org petition I have created has been signed by 12 people; my Kickstarter for “Nobel Prize 2.0” is only $999,943.23 away from its goal. Listen to the people!
If you need further information, let’s Skype later.
Graham K. Nelson
Facebook: G.K. Nelson, Esquire